


We're all scared of trenches

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape of a Minor, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 21:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6676750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He broke down and Robert held him close. If he could take everything, every single heartache and hurt and memory from Aaron and make it his own, he would. He would, and Chas would, so would Cain, Paddy, Adam… Aaron was so loved, but the one thing everyone would do for him, they couldn’t. Robert had never felt so helpless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're all scared of trenches

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone!
> 
> Okay, this isn't a happy fic, but I really enjoyed writing it nonetheless, because I got to write Robert in the role of comfort-giver. It is based on a prompt from Jewelle32: "Do you think you could write some angst/comfort over Aaron's past with Gordon - where Rob is comforting Aaron? Or maybe Aaron is telling Rob what Gordon did to him? x"
> 
> I hope I did this wonderful prompt justice, and I hope you all enjoy reading.

It happened when Robert had his hand wrapped around Aaron’s cock. It was the fifth time they had done this, sixth if they counted that failed morning when Liv knocked on Aaron’s door and interrupted them. Robert didn’t know what had triggered it, if anything had at all. All he knew was one moment Aaron was gasping and running his fingernails down Robert’s arms, and the next he was pushing Robert’s hand away.

‘No! No, stop!’ 

Robert leapt back immediately, as if burned. ‘Aaron?’ His boyfriend had one hand on his face covering his eyes; the other was covering his slowly softening member. ‘Baby?’ He was scared. And Aaron was terrified. 

Aaron started to sob, and Robert’s heart broke. Tears trickled down his face, through his fingers, and into the pillow. Robert remained silent, just watching. He daren’t touch Aaron – didn’t want to send him back to that place. He berated himself for being less than useless, then further kicked himself for making it about him, when his boyfriend was sobbing his fucking heart out. Eventually the cries started to subside, and Aaron huffed out a breath. ‘Oh god,’ he gasped. He sniffed deeply. ‘Sorry.’

‘Hey, don’t…’ He didn’t know how to end it, so instead he reached for Aaron’s underwear. ‘Here, Sweetheart.’

Aaron looked up at the proffered clothing and his moustache twitched upwards as he gave the remnants of a smile. ‘Thanks.’ Robert watched him pull them on. ‘Can… could you not watch me?’ Aaron said. 

‘Sorry.’ Robert retrieved his own underwear from the floor, and then climbed back on the bed. Aaron was lying on his side, towards the door, facing away from Robert. Robert stared at his back.

‘Stop staring,’ Aaron snapped. As if he knew. Robert looked away. Of course he knew. 

Silence lapped at the edges of the room. ‘What—did I do something?’ Robert asked tentatively. ‘I mean, why did—’

Aaron shrugged. ‘No, you didn’t do anything.’ He sniffed again and his arm moved, his hand swiping tears from his cheeks again. ‘I just—I—they don’t-just… go away.’ He sounded frustrated, and Robert hastened to placate him.

‘I know. I know. I didn’t mean—’

‘Just shut up for a bit, Robert.’

Robert swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. It was painful. It would probably kill him one day.

‘…Sorry.’ Aaron suddenly gasped again and sat bolt upright. ‘Fuck! I’m such a fucking…’ He dug his fingernails into his own arms and Robert rushed to his side. ‘FUCK! I fucking… HATE MYSELF!’

‘Aaron… Aaron, please. Please.’ Robert tried to pry Aaron’s hands from his arms before he could do serious damage. ‘Baby, please.’

‘NO! Just fuck off, Robert!’

There was a knock on the door, and a second later it opened. ‘Aaron?’ Chas’s voice trembled through the darkness.

‘Chas, help him.’

Chas was at her son’s side immediately, her hands on his face, cupping his jaw and stroking the tears from his cheeks, murmuring soft sweet words to him.

‘What’s going on?’ 

Robert spun away from the heart wrenching sight to Liv, now also out of bed and standing in the corridor, looking in. She had never looked so young and scared to him. He looked back at Aaron and Chas for a moment, before turning his attention back to his boyfriend’s sister. ‘Aaron’s not… he—’ Once again he didn’t know what to do with the sentence, so he left it hanging. Instead he pulled a shirt on and walked out into the corridor, pulling the door closed behind him. If he could do nothing else, he’d give them privacy. ‘He’s gonna be okay,’ he said. He hoped he wasn’t lying.

She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘What did you do to him?’

‘Nothing. I swear, Liv. I didn’t hurt him.’

‘Well, you must’ve done something?’

Robert shook his head and tears filled his eyes. He hadn’t, had he? ‘Liv, I—he just started—I don’t know what happened.’

Behind the closed door, he could hear Aaron’s cries start to calm down again, and the low murmur of his voice. He longed to be in there, to hold his lover to him, but he daren’t push Aaron too far. If he needed Robert, he’d tell him.

‘If you’ve hurt him,’ Liv threatened.

‘I didn’t. I wouldn’t.’

‘Liv.’ Chas was there, eyes red and still teary. ‘Robert didn’t hurt him, love.’ She clasped Robert’s arm gently. ‘He’s asking for you, Rob.’

Robert didn’t even tell her thank you, though the words were on his tongue. Instead he just went back to the man he loved with everything he had. Aaron was sat in the middle of the bed, looking smaller than Robert had ever seen him; even smaller than in that fucking empty house, among the abandoned toys. He closed the door quietly behind him, not checking first to make sure that Chas and Liv were all right. All he cared about was in this room. 

‘I’m here,’ Robert said when he had sat himself next to Aaron. It seemed like the best thing to say; the only thing to say. Aaron’s eyes darted to him. Tears were still falling from them, though the cascade had eased somewhat. He reached out a hand and touched his little finger to Aaron’s. Aaron linked them, and Robert could have sworn the earth swung slightly off its axis. He was so in love with this man; in so fucking deep that the tiniest touch changed his world. 

Aaron was wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt. He pulled the sleeve down over the hand that wasn’t attached to Robert’s and rubbed it across his eyes. ‘Mum wants me to see someone,’ he said. His voice was rough from crying and shouting.

‘Okay.’

‘I don’t know if I want to.’

Robert swallowed. He had to tread carefully. ‘You know it’s up to you, Aaron, but… don’t you think you should think about it?’

Aaron shrugged. ‘Maybe? Will it help?’

‘I dunno. Would it hurt?’

For some reason, that made Aaron smile. Robert’s smile matched his: tiny, uncertain, a little wobbly around the edges. As soon as it was there, it was gone. ‘I’m just so… tired, Robert.’ He turned to face Robert properly, and the hurt swimming in Aaron’s beautiful blue eyes made Robert’s stomach swoop. ‘I’m so fucking tired of… of feeling like this. Not being… normal. You can’t even fuck me without me freakin’ out!’

‘Hey, hey,’ Robert said soothingly. ‘Aaron, I understand, okay?’ He cringed. It may not have been the best thing to say, but it was the truth. ‘I knew that… that this wouldn’t be… simple or-or easy. God, it wouldn’t be right if you’d come out of this in a good state of mind. You’re allowed to have… these moments.’

‘I’m fucking tired of having them.’

Robert kissed his clothed shoulder. ‘I know.’

He watched Aaron, Robert’s eyes wide as he looked up at him from his position resting his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder. He saw Aaron blink and look upwards, as if willing the tears away. ‘It wasn’t anything you did,’ he said eventually. His head dropped and he looked down at his lap, at his hand playing with the frayed hem of his t-shirt. ‘Sometimes I just…’ he shrugged helplessly. Robert raised his head off Aaron’s shoulder. ‘The memories are sometimes right THERE,’ he pushed his thumb and finger against his temples. ‘They’re there, and nothing I do, or-or you do can stop them.’

Robert nodded. He understood. Sometimes, he’d be going about his day and memories of Max or his Dad or everything after when he was alone and desperate assaulted his mind.  
He leant his head against Aaron’s; his forehead touching Aaron’s temple. He moved tentatively, slowly, so that Aaron had the chance to move away if he needed to, but he didn’t and eventually Robert had his arm around his lover’s shoulders. ‘Aaron, you don’t… have to do this alone. Okay? I told you, I’m not going anywhere.’

‘Yeah, you say that now.’

‘I’ll say it always.’

Aaron turned his head and looked Robert in the eyes. Blue meeting green-blue. Sky meeting sea. There was a quote that Robert remembered, about a fish and a bird falling in love. He didn’t think it ended happily. They looked at each other for the longest time. Stars had been born and had died in the time that they held each other’s eyes. Aaron moved slightly, his face turning up to Robert’s just a little bit, and then their lips were brushing. The smallest connection, Aaron just about pursing his lips, and it lasted for a second; less than that, even. But Robert had to close his eyes and hold his breath. Everything Aaron did was overwhelming. 

Aaron moved away slightly, withdrawing himself. Robert linked their fingers again, to show Aaron that he wasn’t alone. If he could, he would confess to Aaron again his death-defying love for him; Robert would tell him how little his own life meant in that in between time before Aaron took him back again. If he could, he would, but he could see the already cornered look in Aaron’s eyes, and to do all of that would just push him further away as Aaron somehow got it into his head that he wasn’t worthy of Robert’s love. 

It was laughable, really, that Aaron should think himself unworthy of Robert, when Robert should be the one grovelling, laying offerings of love and gratitude at Aaron’s feet. He’d do it, if Aaron asked. But Aaron never would, and that was just one of the things that made him the better man; the BEST man.

When Aaron started to talk, soft as a footprint in sand, it took Robert by surprise. If all of Robert’s senses were not attuned to him, he would have missed it. ‘He used to tell me that there were monsters under the bed, and so he had to keep me safe.’ Robert didn’t need to ask who Aaron was talking about. ‘He used to do all of the… the usual stuff, y’know? After Mum left, he’d put me to bed, he’d read me a book sometimes. The same one over and over if I asked him. He was…’ Aaron couldn’t finish, so Robert did it for him.

‘He was your Dad.’

Aaron bowed his head, and inhaled shakily. ‘I loved him. When I was young, he used to do everything right, you know? He’d do my lunch for school; he’d sign all the forms so that I could go on trips.’ He shook his head. ‘After my Mum left us, I just… I missed her, you know? I started crying every night, and most nights he’d come into my room and rub my back until I calmed down.’ He started to cry again. Unlike at Debbie’s though, Robert was allowed to offer comfort now, so he did. He moved, the bed creaking under him, and wrapped his arm around Aaron’s shoulders. ‘He… he was a… a good dad,’ he gasped. ‘And that was why it—’

He broke down and Robert held him close. If he could take everything, every single heartache and hurt and memory from Aaron and make it his own, he would. He would, and Chas would, so would Cain, Paddy, Adam… Aaron was so loved, but the one thing everyone would do for him, they couldn’t. Robert had never felt so helpless.

‘The first time it happened, I just… I lay there afterwards, crying. But really, really quietly. He’d already told me I’d been naughty, so I didn’t want to wake him up, in case—’

Robert had never wanted to hurt anyone more than he wanted to hurt Gordon. He should be in the ground, or better, hurting just as badly as he hurt Aaron; scared for his life every single day. If Aaron would let him, Robert would do it. He had the means, and he knew the people. Except he had promised Aaron he wasn’t that man anymore, and he loved Aaron too much to go back on his word, even if it did mean ridding his love of the man who made his life into a living nightmare.

Aaron ran his sleeve over his face again. His t-shirt would be soaked. Robert would have got a tissue from the bedside cabinet, except that meant leaving Aaron for a second, and he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Instead he just held his lover tighter, a silent reassurance that he was there.

‘Everything went back to normal after that,’ Aaron said. He started to play with the fraying hem again. ‘We just… we fell back into the kinds of things we had always done. Except I cried a little less. I didn’t miss Mum any less, I just… I just didn’t cry about it.’

Robert had heard all of this before, when Aaron had first confessed his most terrible secret to the least likely person. It didn’t hurt any less, hearing it again. It hurt more, actually, if that was possible. Now that he knew what it was to protect Aaron, to see him at his worst, at his most vulnerable, hearing the cause for it made the hatred he felt for Gordon run that much deeper.

‘For the next couple of years, it was…’ he wiped his eyes again. ‘It was good. You remember when I told you, he used to say it was me and him, against the world.’ Robert nodded. ‘It made me feel so special when he said that. He said it and he’d smile, just—just this huge grin. That was why I used to think I’d dreamt what he’d done. Nothing made sense. He was… he acted like he loved me, like he cared what happened to me, or he cared what I thought of him. I just couldn’t put the two sides of him together, so I thought maybe I dreamt it. Except… except I could still remember that—that pain.’ He broke down again, and this time so did Robert. He clung to Aaron like his life depended on it; like if he let go, Aaron would shatter into tiny pieces. He clung on as if they were giving each other life. 

‘Sshh. Sshh.’ Robert rocked Aaron back and forth, trying to calm his breathing. He cast his eyes heavenward, begging for the strength to be strong enough for Aaron, begging for the strength to be everything and more for Aaron. ‘I’ve got you,’ he whispered, pressing kisses to Aaron’s hair. ‘I’m here.’

Aaron laid his head on Robert’s shoulder. He was quiet for so long that Robert thought he had finished talking. He hadn’t fallen asleep; Robert knew all too well what Aaron’s breath in sleep sounded like, and this wasn’t it. Robert held him anyway, he never wanted to let go. 

When the tears were nothing but drying tracks on Robert’s cheeks, Aaron started to speak again. ‘I remember it so clearly, Robert, after Liv was born. I did love her, even then. He would tell me that I’d be her big brother, that I had to protect her the way—the way that he protected me.’ He let out a huff which may have been sardonic laughter. Robert held him tighter. ‘I did love her, but… but I was young, you know? And I’d got so used to just… having him to myself. God, how messed up does that sound, eh? My Dad fucking raped me, and I wanted him to myself.’

‘No, Aaron. It’s not messed up. You were young. You… you relied on him, didn’t you? He was all you had after your Mum left.’ 

There was the slightest of nods that told him that Aaron had heard him, but not necessarily that he agreed. Maybe Chas was right: maybe Aaron did need to speak to someone, someone who could help him to cope with all of this. 

‘I was jealous of her, I guess,’ he continued. ‘I was jealous that she just came along, and she was stealing him from me. Didn’t help that both him and Sandra were so focused on her.’ He rubbed his face against Robert’s shoulder; Robert felt the tears soak through the cloth. ‘When I was ten I met this group of boys at school. They were bullies, they used to go around pushing the little kids around, taunting them, answering back to teachers. I got in with them. I started to skip school, I answered him back.’

‘You said. Aaron, any other kid in your situation would have done the same.’

‘Yeah, but I should have known, shouldn’t I? I mean, he had punished me once. What was to stop him doing it again?’

‘You said yourself that he was good to you afterwards. You probably didn’t think he’d do it again.’

Aaron shrugged, and Robert felt a cold hand squeeze his heart. He lifted Aaron’s head so that their eyes met. ‘You listen to me. What he did was not your fault.’ He wiped a tear from Aaron’s eye. ‘You weren’t to blame, Aaron. And it’s him that should be ashamed, who should be cowering because of what he did to you.’ He looked Aaron straight in the eye, not knowing if he was crossing a line, but it had to be said anyway: ‘You didn’t ask for it.’

He felt the breath leave Aaron’s lungs in a rush, and watched blue eyes blink at him erratically. He wondered if anyone had ever told him that before. But then he remembered when Aaron had told him this the first time, how he said that Gordon told him that Aaron WAS to blame, that it WAS his fault because he had been naughty. Robert knew that he could nothing for that little boy who believed what his father had told him, but he could do everything he could now, for the man he had become. ‘It wasn’t your fault, Aaron.’

‘He told me it was.’

‘Because he wanted that power over you, Sweetheart. Because he wanted… he wanted that control. He’s a fucking sick man, Aaron, and he abused you and your trust.’

‘I did trust him,’ Aaron said, like he had only just realised it. ‘I trusted him to keep me safe.’

Robert nodded. ‘Aaron, when you were playing up, because you were jealous of your sister, do you think that you’re the only kid who went through that? Eh? That you’re the only older child who felt jealous because this little baby who had been there for all of five minutes was taking the attention away from them? You aren’t. You weren’t the first, and you weren’t the last. Aaron, what you felt was normal. What he did to you, though, wasn’t.’

‘I couldn’t stop him,’ he whispered.

‘Because you were a kid. What kid should have needed to stop his own dad from doing that to him?’

They were silent for the longest time as Robert let Aaron really think about what had just been said. He saw the moment that Aaron started to doubt Robert; not just what he said, but how much he could rely on Robert. He saw the walls go back around Aaron. He moved slowly, but managed to press a kiss to Aaron’s forehead without his love flinching back. 

‘Aaron, I know that I can’t cure you, okay? I know that. But all I can do is to… help you when the memories get too much. And I’ll do it. I’ll do this every fucking night if you need it.’

‘Why? You could have someone else. Someone… easier. Someone who doesn’t come with all of this crap.’

‘Because I love you. There’s no other reason, Aaron. I love you, and I want you to rely on me.’

Aaron shook his head softly, and looked down at his hands. He was picking at the skin around his fingernails. The tiniest speck of blood bloomed. Robert laced their hands together. ‘I want you to be able to rely on me, Aaron,’ he said again. ‘I want you to trust me that I’m gonna be here for you.’

‘Say it again.’

‘I love you.’

Aaron sighed and leaned his head against Robert’s shoulder again. ‘It’s gonna be like this all the time, Robert,’ he said. ‘I’m gonna freak out all the time, and you’re gonna have to do this all over again.’

‘I know.’

‘Are you sure you want that? Because if you don’t think you can handle it—’

‘I can. I want to. You’re everything, Aaron. I want to help you.’ What he was about to ask… he didn’t know how Aaron would take it, but it was something he had thought about for a while. ‘Do—I mean… would you let me pay for a counsellor for you?’ From the way that Aaron jerked his head up to meet his eyes, Robert sensed that it wasn’t the right time to bring it up. ‘You don’t have to decide now. I just… the offer is there. If you feel you need it.’

‘Okay.’

‘Okay?’

‘I’ll think about it.’

Robert thought about how far they had come. At the beginning of the year, Aaron probably would have torn his head off, yelling at Robert that he didn’t need Robert’s money, that he wasn’t some kind of charity case, that he knew nothing about the kind of help he needed. Now, Aaron was willing to think about accepting Robert’s help, in whatever form it took. It made Robert’s heart swell with love.

Aaron yawned against his shoulder. Robert smiled. ‘Do you think you can sleep?’

‘I can try.’ They moved, lying down, Robert cradling Aaron to his chest again. ‘I’m sorry about tonight,’ Aaron said quietly, once they had both settled. 

‘Don’t be daft.’ Robert kissed Aaron’s soft hair. ‘There’s plenty of time for that.’

Aaron leant up and pressed a loving, lingering kiss to Robert’s jaw. ‘Thank you,’ he said. He shook his head when Robert looked ready to object. ‘Not… not just for tonight, but in advance—for when I’m a bastard to you, and I forget about what you’ve done for me.’

‘You don’t need to thank me, Aaron,’ Robert said. ‘I’m your partner.’

Aaron closed his eyes and a tiny smile crossed his lips. ‘I just don’t want you to forget. And just… I do… y’know… I—’

‘I know,’ Robert interrupted. Aaron breathed a sigh of relief. One day Robert would hear those words from him, but he didn’t need them to know how Aaron felt. ‘Try to get some sleep.’ 

Robert couldn’t lie to himself: he was scared about what was to come. He was scared of Aaron panicking again, or hurting himself, or breaking down on nights like this. But he was more terrified at the prospect of losing Aaron. He clung onto him tighter that night, relishing Aaron’s arms around him, Aaron’s hands clinging to Robert’s soft skin. He’d have marks in the morning, but they were just proof that Aaron and he had lasted through the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on tumblr!: [Port in a Storm](http://portinastorm.tumblr.com)


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